The Best Woody Allen Quotes List Ever
Here are some great Woody Allen quotes and quotations. Few people
have anything funnier to say about life than Woody Allen.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
It involves Russia.
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be
beating a dead horse.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen Quotes on Relationships
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come
in and sink my boats.
I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is
French-kiss her.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless
experiences go its pretty damn good.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked
this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night.
Woody Allen on Life
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over
much too soon.
Woody Allen Quotes on Death
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of
underwear.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as
easily lying down.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it
through not dying.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a
tune.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman?
Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you
want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen on God
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in
my name at a Swiss bank.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so
hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen Philosophy Quotes
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I am two with nature.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s
the government.
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing
anything very innovative.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was
mugged by a quaker.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much
sleep.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is
like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like
meringue.
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard
enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
Woody Allen on His Own Inadequacy
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two
guys.
I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen Quotes on Education
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed
teachers.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly
developed moral bankruptcy.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen Quotes on Joy and Happiness
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don’t have.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more
fun.
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have
any fun at all.
Woody Allen Quotes about Family
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed,
sold me this watch.
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my
room.
Woody Allen Quotes about Food
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food:
frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen Quotes about Money
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and
spends very little on office supplies.
Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it
into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Woody Allen Quotes about Hollywood
If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
In Beverly Hills, they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into
television shows.
More Great Woody Allen Quotes
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an
Armenian.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but
not in those words.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had
smallpox.
This post was originally published, in slightly different form, at the Funny Quotes about Life website, in 2009.
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